Being confronted with your flaws can be cathartic. I like being self-aware and being able to grow from it. But as I learn what I can grow from, its hard for me to shake who I’ve been which leads to the conflict of me fighting with myself.
If I’m trying not to be selfish, in the back of my head I still feel like there’s some ulterior motive when I do something. If I’m trying to be kinder I fight with the idea that it comes off as fake or not genuine. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m not doing things right even if I’m trying to be better. Will someone take my apology because I’m truly sorry or will they remember the broken person I was and think this isn’t an honest apology?
I know that God redeems us and as we get to know Him we will become the best version of ourselves. This isn’t about being forgiven because I know I am. But its about questioning whether I’m genuinely becoming a better person.
The mind is a tricky thing and I know that’s what’s making things harder. I know I want to be better but I find myself questioning myself. There is no harder critic than yourself because you can’t escape that.
This post isn’t going to have a solution. It’s not something I have come to terms with or a way to make it better. I just want to share a personal struggle that I am still figuring out. Christian life isn’t always sunny, we do have to deal with struggles. But the great thing about God is that He meets us where we are and doesn’t rush progress.
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
Psalm 51:10 ESV
